hmm..

haven't really been able to be myself lately.. and i have no idea why.. (well i might have some ideas but since my head's been quite a mess these days.. i can't seem to really trust what i think anymore... i think... heh..) so i thought this little blog might come in handy.. maybe if i pull my thoughts out one by one (but then again my brain might've lost this function already..) like what wise dumbledore does with the pensieve.. i may be able to see some light (flickering or dim i dun bloody care) or feel better.. =) (though there are some things which i can't divulge on this not-that-private-but-also-not-that-public domain..) shan't bother about those thoughts churning in the depths of my mind.. will take one baby step at a time and sieve out the floaters.. i'll get to the heavy duty ones soon... eventually... i think.. ;p

well what's on hand now would be my 5 tests tomorrow.. from the email they wrote..

Stage 1 of the selection process consists of the following five
assessments:-

a) Analysis Test
b) Writing Skills Test
c) Reasoning Test
d) Situational Judgement Test
e) Personality Test

i'm not even sure if i want to be selected in the first place.. but i think it's nice to know that somewhere wants me (well atleast for their stage 1 of the selection process).. i feel really selfish for feeling this way.. how about the people who really want this job.. but guess i'll take comfort that the above rigorous tests would sieve out the non-enthusiast (probably myself) and really pass the baton to the deserving ones.. and i shouldn't have told my folks that i am selected in the first place.. sometimes telling them i didn't get something is more difficult than consoling myself that it's alright..

came back from a GMS talk this evening.. need to thank jing for the company and mark for the ride back.. otherwise i might've drowned myself with the heavy thoughts of me and my medicine dream.. and missed my stop or boarded the wrong bus or something.. to apply or not to apply.. if i do.. i would have to change my plans for the coming year and prep myself for the application.. which probably means i'll have to get a job science related (oh i so dread working in a lab..) so that what i occupy myself during this period would meaningfully lead to my eventual goal as a research-physician.. there are just so many things to consider and decisions to make.. and i don't know how to make them.. and it's not like i haven't given things a good thinking-through... i could write a 1000 page thesis on my thinking process..

and there're the thoughts about my new place
and there're those about my old place

and these are only the stuff floating on the top of my mind.. i don't even want to begin thinking about those lurking in the depths..

damnit.. why isn't there a soccer match that stretches into the wee hours of the night today?
i'd much rather scream and cheer and curse at the top of my lungs than lie in bed trying to sleep..

i'm alright.. needn't call me to check if i am.. =) things are probably not as lousy as it seems on this verbal diarrhoa of an entry.. =) i just needed to write this somewhere.. and tell this to nothing..

hmm.. i feel better already ^_^